Chaos and the Life Coach

I received a text message from a dear friend of mine. It said - "When you don't pay your electric bill, they turn off your electricity. Thought you would like to know that as I sit in the dark." I asked her if she had a planner. You see, I have started using a planner, and in my planner, I write down when my bills are due. It helps. I also write my weekly goals like - Wash the Neon. Go to Wal-Mart. Watch Ellen. I told her these things while she warmed her coffee from that morning by candle light.

I also told her about the other things I have started to do in order to find order in my life. I am now balancing my check book, writing down everything I eat, and going to bed at a decent hour. She then asked me to be her Life Coach. She even offered to pay me to do this for her. So, my friends, my question is, "What are the qualifications of a life coach?" Because, you see, I do not think I meet those qualifications. Here are a few reasons why:

1. The panic attacks. Without any exaggeration, I had to calm myself down this weekend so that I would not hyperventilate because I didn't think I would be able to get my lawn mowed. That isn't normal. Which leads me to number two...

2. Lexapro. I think I need a higher dose.

3. I download music from a shady Russian website. I do pay for it, but I am scared that I am now a Soviet.

4. I have a Master's degree, and so far the only jobs I have gotten since are as a Barista at Starbucks and as a substitute teacher.

5. For some reason, when I walk through the alarms at Barnes and Noble, I ALWAYS set them off. In fact, the guys that work in the coffee shop area call me "Alarm Girl." Normal people DO NOT DO THAT.

6. The first thing on my Christmas list is Pepper Spray.

7. I had to take a break from facebook and myspace because I was spending more time there than reading my Bible or talking to real people.

8. I have to drug myself before I fly on airplanes because I am so frightened they will fall out of the air at any moment.

9. If my house was burning down, it would be hard for me to choose between getting my roommate or my hair straightener. And, I really love my roommate.

10. I drink so much Diet Dr. Pepper that sometimes my kidneys hurt.

I just don't think I can do this job. What do you think?